oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
