i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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