I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
