Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
