areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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