I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize