I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
