Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
