i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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