i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
