he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
