this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We got so high we made milksteak
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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