Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
