this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
