I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think my fart just growled at me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
