I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
