Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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