Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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