well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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