I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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