apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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