Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have fence marks all over my body
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
