You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
