dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
