sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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