Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
