I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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