Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
