She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
