My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
