I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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