he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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