You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
