What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
