my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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