Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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