Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
