the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
