Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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