stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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