I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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