I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
