I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
