I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
