I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
