you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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