neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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