seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
