My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
