i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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