How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
