I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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