I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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