I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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