his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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