i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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