The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
